My face is nice.

Third day and I'm still tired, feel sick all over, am sick all over, so why not feel sick and tired all over? My vertebrae is fused solid in a stooped over, twisted and stooped sideways position. The sideways is from a cluster of stress fractures at where I broke my back. The cartilage in my spine is ravaged from inflammation and is gone, but in its place is new delicate bone growth from the vertebrae touching each other then fusing together. This fusion is new, baby delicate bone that broke some years ago, and fused itself fixed. So, at the centre of the bend in my spine is the old break, which settled forward. My torso, since I am a tall man, the torso turned as if the spine did a rotated spin to the right and then settled sideways. So that's like bending to touch your toes and turning to the right, bending and stretching sideways to the ground and freezing in that position. I have good large shoulders, a broad chest that now crunches down and is permanently squishing my stomach and organs out of there natural position, sort of down and out, I guess. I have extreme problems swallowing, even water and when I do labor threw a meal, its like one bite begins to feel as though I've eaten a Thanksgiving day meal, this makes standing after eating very difficult. Today, I did nothing, except stare at my thoughts, which I am tired of doing. If I have the operation by my 11 surgeon team, I could stand at my usual 6'-1" again, also all the muscles in my back, that I use to try and keep from falling over or the muscles I strain to pull my head up to look straight ahead(since my skull is fused to my spine so there is no looking left or right or up). The operation, if successful, could leave no trace of this hunched over look, that I am now, but I said, if it were a success. It is a dangerous operation and has a 45% chance of my dieing on the table from blood loss, infection from an open wound that would be about 30" long. The surgeons would have to break my neck and re-attach, break my back and re-attach it, then cut the muscles on one side to twist the spine back to normal, then re-attach them. Once this is done and the steel rods, bolts, etc and if everything goes right. They would then leave me in the hospital upside, strapped to a bed that would be upside down, for a year. If anything goes wrong, I may be a quadriplegic, crippled with a bag to ... relieve myself into and maybe never talk again. Right! What would you choose? I have a severely disabled son who has been with me since birth and we have been alone for the last 6/7 years, the mother just couldn't get along with him so she left a 20 yr marriage, oh and she didn't like me much either, tee hee. I have a 25 yr old daughter, who is grown and gone and an 18 yr old son, they all left at the same time. Anyways, they never much hung around their disabled brother antways. He is severely retarded, but has always been close to me, I named him after me when he was born and spent every minute with him as he grew up. He is handsome like me and tall, strong and so cool to be with, he is extra kind and always in love with life. That's why I won't have the operation, because he will be alone if something goes wrong and I will never let him go into an institution. I'll just stay this way and we can just carry on as we always have. Him and I, and the Dragon, we will make it some how. I know my son misses his mother horribly and she only visits him maybe once amonth for an hour or two, but when he comes back form his visit, he brings the light back with him. He is all I will ever have again and I thank God for his leaving me this much. I do miss a warm hand to reach for, but will settle for wanting, its enough, I mean, I could never let a women see me that way again. I am sure of that, absolutely not comfortable with how I look now, just picture it, now I apologies for compromising anyone's dinner, but I'm not this tall, strong handsome guy anymore. My face is nice.